Campin' Park Revised

Campin’ Park

February 3, 2009
2nd version

[Sound of a car comes from offstage and two car doors slam. DAVE and GERTRUDE walk on stage left carrying suitcases, speaking with a southern drawl. They both appear to be older although not elderly and slightly frumpy tourists]
DAVE
Well, we’re here honey! Our first vacation and the first time we have ever left our farm in forty years.
GERTRUDE
Ya’ll sure this is it Dave? Cuz’ I dunno…
DAVE
Here I’ll ask that fellow over there in the uh ummmm…
GERTRUDE
Grim Reaper costume? My travel book doesn’t say anything about Halloween bein’ in the spring in Minnesota… hmm maybe I…
DAVE
Hey boy is this here the campin’ park?
GUY
[has earphones in]
Huh?
DAVE
I said is this the campin’ park?
GUY
Uh yeah dude.
[walks away]
GERTRUDE
Maybe Rick Steves has spelling problems. He must have meant “Minnesota Concise.”
[DAVE looks around and notices football field]
DAVE
Dear, why don’t we set up our tent. It says on our reservation that our spot is number 50.
GERTRUDE
Hey I see it right there. Number 50! Why on earth does it say “go rebels?”
DAVE
Of course, its vandalism prevention Gertrude.
GERTRUDE
Ahh, quite clever, quite clever.
[DAVE struggles to put up tent as GERTRUDE examines a brochure and her travel guide.]
GERTRUDE
Oh my! Did we drive over any bridges to get here?
DAVE
[still trying to put up tent]
No, why honey?
GERTRUDE
It says here in Explore Minnesota that this bridge called 35W collapsed because of pigeon poop erosion.
DAVE
What?
GERTRUDE
[suddenly looks at watch]
Good golly Dave, I just remembered! We’re going to be late for our underwater basket weaving class! It starts in two minutes!
DAVE
Then let’s go.
[DAVE and GERTRUDE begin to walk towards stage right. FOOTBALL PLAYER stops them on the way offstage]
FOOTBALL PLAYER
Where do you think you are going? What is with all this crap on my field?
GERTRUDE
Excuse me mister smart mouth. We are here on a vacation too and you can find your own place to put your tent.
[DAVE kicks GERTRUDE in the shin]
DAVE
Excuse me sir, your spot number is on your reservation ticket. You probably aren’t used to these cramped quarters either but I’m sure we can work this out. Where we come from there are at least twelve miles between each house.
FOOTBALL PLAYER
Where on earth did you guys come from? Timbuktu or something?
[stalks off stage left]
GERTRUDE
Oh the nerve of him.
DAVE
Gertrude it’s not worth it. Lets just hope he is not in our underwater basket-weaving class.
GERTRUDE
[giggles]
I certainly don’t want to see him in a swimsuit.
[DAVE and GERTRUDE walk off stage right. Students quickly rush on stage from both sides to create a busy hallway scene at Champlin Park. DAVE and GERTRUDE reenter stage right with their swimsuits on and the students freeze. One girl drops her books and another mutters “oh my Atlanta”]
DAVE
Ha,ha. How did you guess? I’m not even wearing my Atlanta Braves hat.
GERTRUDE
[waving her hand in front of a gawking student]
Hello! Hello? Could you tell us where the pool is?
KID
[stuttering and clearly confused]
Ummmm, the third floor?
GERTRUDE
Why thank you. [to DAVE] Let’s get outta here, they are startin’ to creep me out.
DAVE
Maybe all that lutefisk went to their heads. Eating soap embalmed fish can’t be all that good for your brain cells.
[GERTRUDE and DAVE walk offstage left and reenter on the opposite side. During that time something resembling a greenhouse is put out on stage left]
GERTRUDE
How come no one knows where the underwater basket weaving class is? That one girl practically laughed her nose ring off!
DAVE
Yeah, and have you noticed how young all these people look?
GERTRUDE
Uh-huh. Like they walked straight out of that Disney show…Banna Mowanna? No. Mannah Hotanna! That must be it!
DAVE
Maybe Minnesotans have figured out the secret to immortality!
GERTRUDE
Or have a really funny obsession with botox.
DAVE
[He looks down at the map he is carrying and then looks back at greenhouse stage left. A happy expression crosses his face]
Gertrude forget about the pool…
GERTRUDE
Why!?!
DAVE
‘Cause we could go to the sauna instead.
[makes a grand gesture in the direction of the greenhouse]
GERTRUDE
Oh you are a genius. I’ve always wanted to go to a sauna.
[DAVE and GERTRUDE walk into greenhouse and soon a class walks onstage from stage right]
TEACHER
OK class, today make sure you water your tomato plants today and …
[TEACHER opens the door and lets class go in 1st. Once everyone is in and door shuts people start to scream and the class and teacher run out the door and offstage. DAVE and GERTRUDE then step out wearing bathrobes.]
GERTRUDE
Good grief you would think they had never been in a sauna before.
DAVE
Maybe it was too hot for them. It was probably a shock to their bodily systems.
GERTRUDE
I read somewhere Minnesotans are all descendents of Yeti.
DAVE
Yeti?
GERTRUDE
You know, Sasquatch, Bigfoot, the abominable snow man.
DAVE
Oh yes, but didn’t he live at the North Pole with Rudolph?
GERTRUDE
Used to. They both moved down south to here though when they retired. I think they have a cabin on some lake so they could live by Babe the Blue Ox and some giant guy named Paul Bunyan.
DAVE
Ish. Bunion. What kind of last name is that?
GERTRUDE
Don’t ask me. They seem to have name problems… and lots of identity crisis here too. These Minnesotans still can’t make up their minds on what to call this amusement park they built in the middle of a mall.
DAVE
And we thought we were weird.
GERTRUDE
See we don’t even come close. I also read that one of their governors was a professional wrestler.
DAVE
Oh yeah and that guy who ran for office that thought he was a vampire. Wasn’t he…
[During this time the surroundings have changed to resemble that of a science classroom. DAVE stops in mid-sentence and picks up a science beaker.]
DAVE
I don’t think we are ever going to find that pool. I mean the stairs only go up to the second floor and there are only two buttons in the elevator.
GERTRUDE
Oh it’s ok Dave. We could still try to find it tomorrow.
DAVE
Where exactly are we now?
GERTRUDE
Looks like some sort of storage room for funny looking appliances.
DAVE
[Brandishes a Bunsen burner and waves it about]
Hey yeah, I think these start a fire when you plug them in. We could have S’mores!
GERTRUDE
[digging in a cabinet]
Dave I think I found the pig roast for tonight!
DAVE
Sweet. I think they are individual servings.
GERTRUDE
[pulls out a baby shark]
Ooh and some funny looking fish!
DAVE
Yuck. How can anyone make fish smell that bad?
DAVE and GERTRUDE Together
Lutefisk.