Campin’ Park
February 3, 2009
1st version
[Sound of a car comes from offstage and two car doors slam. DAVE and GERTRUDE walk on stage left carrying suitcases, speaking with a southern drawl]
February 3, 2009
1st version
[Sound of a car comes from offstage and two car doors slam. DAVE and GERTRUDE walk on stage left carrying suitcases, speaking with a southern drawl]
DAVE
Well, we’re here honey!
Well, we’re here honey!
GERTRUDE
Ya’ll sure Dave? Cuz’ I dunno…
Ya’ll sure Dave? Cuz’ I dunno…
DAVE
Here I’ll ask that fellow over there in the uh ummmm…
Here I’ll ask that fellow over there in the uh ummmm…
GERTRUDE
Grim Reaper costume? My travel book doesn’t say anything about Halloween bein’ in the spring in Minnesota… hmm maybe I…
Grim Reaper costume? My travel book doesn’t say anything about Halloween bein’ in the spring in Minnesota… hmm maybe I…
DAVE
Hey boy is this here the campin’ park?
Hey boy is this here the campin’ park?
GUY
[has earphones in]
Huh?
[has earphones in]
Huh?
DAVE
I said is this the campin’ park?
I said is this the campin’ park?
GUY
Uh yeah dude.
[walks away]
Uh yeah dude.
[walks away]
GERTRUDE
Maybe Rick Steves has spelling problems. He must have meant “Minnesota Concise.”
[DAVE looks around and notices football field]
Maybe Rick Steves has spelling problems. He must have meant “Minnesota Concise.”
[DAVE looks around and notices football field]
DAVE
Dear, why don’t we set up our tent. It says on our reservation that our spot is number 50.
Dear, why don’t we set up our tent. It says on our reservation that our spot is number 50.
GERTRUDE
Hey I see it right there. Number 50! Why on earth does it say “go rebels?”
Hey I see it right there. Number 50! Why on earth does it say “go rebels?”
DAVE
Of course, its vandalism prevention Gertrude.
Of course, its vandalism prevention Gertrude.
GERTRUDE
Ahh, quite clever, quite clever.
[DAVE struggles to put up tent as GERTRUDE examines a brochure and her travel guide.]
Ahh, quite clever, quite clever.
[DAVE struggles to put up tent as GERTRUDE examines a brochure and her travel guide.]
GERTRUDE
[suddenly looks at watch]
Good golly Dave, we’re going to be late for our underwater basket weaving class! It starts in two minutes!
[suddenly looks at watch]
Good golly Dave, we’re going to be late for our underwater basket weaving class! It starts in two minutes!
DAVE
Then let’s go.
[looks around]
There isn’t anyone here to steal our stuff anyway.
[DAVE and GERTRUDE walk into a busy hallway at Champlin Park with their swimsuits on and everyone freezes. One girl drops her books and another mutters “oh my Atlanta”]
Then let’s go.
[looks around]
There isn’t anyone here to steal our stuff anyway.
[DAVE and GERTRUDE walk into a busy hallway at Champlin Park with their swimsuits on and everyone freezes. One girl drops her books and another mutters “oh my Atlanta”]
DAVE
Ha,ha. How did you guess? I’m not even wearing my Atlanta Braves hat.
Ha,ha. How did you guess? I’m not even wearing my Atlanta Braves hat.
GERTRUDE
[waving her hand in front of a gawking student]
Hello! Hello? Could you tell us where the pool is?
[waving her hand in front of a gawking student]
Hello! Hello? Could you tell us where the pool is?
KID
[stuttering and clearly confused]
Ummmm, the third floor?
[stuttering and clearly confused]
Ummmm, the third floor?
GERTRUDE
Why thank you. [to DAVE] Let’s get outta here, they are startin’ to creep me out.
Why thank you. [to DAVE] Let’s get outta here, they are startin’ to creep me out.
DAVE
Maybe all that lutefisk went to their heads. Eating soap embalmed fish can’t be all that good for your brain cells.
[GERTRUDE and DAVE walk offstage and reenter on the opposite side]
Maybe all that lutefisk went to their heads. Eating soap embalmed fish can’t be all that good for your brain cells.
[GERTRUDE and DAVE walk offstage and reenter on the opposite side]
GERTRUDE
How come no one knows where the underwater basket weaving class is? That one girl practically laughed her nose ring off!
How come no one knows where the underwater basket weaving class is? That one girl practically laughed her nose ring off!
DAVE
Yeah, and have you noticed how young all these people look?
Yeah, and have you noticed how young all these people look?
GERTRUDE
Uh-huh. Like they walked straight out of that Disney show…Banna Mowanna? No. Mannah Hotanna! That must be it!
Uh-huh. Like they walked straight out of that Disney show…Banna Mowanna? No. Mannah Hotanna! That must be it!
DAVE
Maybe Minnesotans have figured out the secret to immortality!
Maybe Minnesotans have figured out the secret to immortality!
GERTRUDE
Or have a really funny obsession with botox.
Or have a really funny obsession with botox.
DAVE
[He looks down at the map he is carrying and then looks back at a greenhouse stage left. A happy expression crosses his face]
Gertrude forget about the pool…
[He looks down at the map he is carrying and then looks back at a greenhouse stage left. A happy expression crosses his face]
Gertrude forget about the pool…
GERTRUDE
Why!?!
Why!?!
DAVE
‘Cause we could go to the sauna instead.
[makes a grand gesture in the direction of the greenhouse]
‘Cause we could go to the sauna instead.
[makes a grand gesture in the direction of the greenhouse]
GERTRUDE
Oh you are a genius
[DAVE and GERTRUDE walk into greenhouse and soon a class walks onstage from stage right]
Oh you are a genius
[DAVE and GERTRUDE walk into greenhouse and soon a class walks onstage from stage right]
TEACHER
OK class, today make sure you water your tomato plants
[TEACHER opens the door and lets class go in 1st. Once everyone is in and door shuts people start to scream and the class and teacher run out the door and offstage. DAVE and GERTRUDE then step out wearing bathrobes.]
OK class, today make sure you water your tomato plants
[TEACHER opens the door and lets class go in 1st. Once everyone is in and door shuts people start to scream and the class and teacher run out the door and offstage. DAVE and GERTRUDE then step out wearing bathrobes.]
GERTRUDE
Good grief you would think they had never been in a sauna before.
Good grief you would think they had never been in a sauna before.
DAVE
Maybe it was too hot for them. It was probably a shock to their bodily systems.
Maybe it was too hot for them. It was probably a shock to their bodily systems.
GERTRUDE
I read somewhere Minnesotans are all descendents of Yeti.
I read somewhere Minnesotans are all descendents of Yeti.
DAVE
Yeti?
Yeti?
GERTRUDE
You know, Sasquatch, Bigfoot, the abominable snow man.
You know, Sasquatch, Bigfoot, the abominable snow man.
DAVE
Oh yes, but didn’t he live at the North Pole with Rudolph?
Oh yes, but didn’t he live at the North Pole with Rudolph?
GERTRUDE
Used to. They both moved down south to here though when they retired. I think they have a cabin on some lake so they could live by Babe the Blue Ox and some giant guy named Paul Bunyan.
Used to. They both moved down south to here though when they retired. I think they have a cabin on some lake so they could live by Babe the Blue Ox and some giant guy named Paul Bunyan.
DAVE
Ish. Bunion. What kind of last name is that?
Ish. Bunion. What kind of last name is that?
GERTRUDE
Don’t ask me. They seem to have name problems… and lots of identity crisis here too. These Minnesotans still can’t make up their minds on what to call this amusement park they built in the middle of a mall.
Don’t ask me. They seem to have name problems… and lots of identity crisis here too. These Minnesotans still can’t make up their minds on what to call this amusement park they built in the middle of a mall.
DAVE
And we thought we were weird.
And we thought we were weird.
GERTRUDE
See we don’t even come close. I also read that one of their governors was a professional wrestler.
See we don’t even come close. I also read that one of their governors was a professional wrestler.
DAVE
Oh yeah and that guy who ran for office that thought he was a vampire. Wasn’t he…
[During this time the surroundings have changed to resemble that of a science classroom. DAVE stops in mid-sentence and picks up a science beaker.]
Oh yeah and that guy who ran for office that thought he was a vampire. Wasn’t he…
[During this time the surroundings have changed to resemble that of a science classroom. DAVE stops in mid-sentence and picks up a science beaker.]
DAVE
I don’t think we are ever going to find that pool. I mean the stairs only go up to the second floor and there are only two buttons in the elevator.
I don’t think we are ever going to find that pool. I mean the stairs only go up to the second floor and there are only two buttons in the elevator.
GERTRUDE
Oh it’s ok Dave. We could still try to find it tomorrow.
Oh it’s ok Dave. We could still try to find it tomorrow.
DAVE
Where exactly are we now?
Where exactly are we now?
GERTRUDE
Looks like some sort of storage room for funny looking appliances.
Looks like some sort of storage room for funny looking appliances.
DAVE
[Brandishes a Bunsen burner and waves it about]
Hey yeah, I think these start a fire when you plug them in.
[Brandishes a Bunsen burner and waves it about]
Hey yeah, I think these start a fire when you plug them in.
GERTRUDE
[digging in a cabinet]
Dave I think I found the pig roast for tonight!
[digging in a cabinet]
Dave I think I found the pig roast for tonight!
DAVE
Sweet. I think they are individual servings.
Sweet. I think they are individual servings.
GERTRUDE
Ooh and some funny looking fish!
Ooh and some funny looking fish!
DAVE
Yuck. How can anyone make fish smell that bad?
Yuck. How can anyone make fish smell that bad?
DAVE and GERTRUDE Together
Lutefisk.
Lutefisk.
awesome, i actually read it to the end. really good. campin park meaning champlin park genious.
ReplyDeleteOMG!! I loved this it was so funny because the people were so clueless. Seriously I almost lost it when they thought the classroom was a sauna... That was really funny :D
ReplyDeletehilarious i loved the part about the yeti desent
ReplyDelete